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By Aziz Rauf:
If I were Massoud Barzani, I would have never done what I did in the past; instead I would have asked for an apology for every single mistake.
If I were Massoud Barzani, I would have fired my advisers, and mercenary journalists that are surrounding me. I would have listened to a little kid; a kind of kid that in the legendary stories cries and tells the king that he is naked and undressed.
If I were Massoud Barzani, I would have visited the graveyard and thought about the fact there is something called death. At least, I would have visited the Barzan graveyard and pondered that at the end I will be buried in a two meter piece of land. There is no need indeed to leave a destroyed land after passing away.
If I were Massoud Barzani, I would have destroyed the dishonest walls of Kurdayati; I would have taken politics to the streets and ruminated over the fact that this land has been created by our martyrs and not me alone.
If I were Massoud Barzani, I would have visited Sardasht Othman’s grave and asked for an apology and said that everyone is free to criticize and that I don’t have a red line. I would have said that my daughter is just like everybody else’s daughters and that she is free to fall in love with anyone she chooses.
If I were Massoud Barzani, I would have shut down Zargros TV, Rudaw, and Kurdistan 24, or I would have told them to present Hasan Zirak and Hasan Sisawaysi’s songs and hairans.
If I were Massoud Barzani, I would have told Erdogan that he is ugly and that I am unhappy with what he is doing.
If I were Massoud Barzani, I would have said “stop” to whoever wanted to flatter in order to get a promotion and conduct an act of corruption and steal something.
If I were Massoud Barzani, I would have kicked my chair and would have gone to Tayrawa in Hawler and Qalawa in Slemani neighborhoods and kissed the fatigued hands of an old lady and told her that her neighborhood is nice and that my palace is just like a prison.
If I were Massoud Barzani, I would have visited the houses of the martyrs and confessed that their sons are so brave and that my sons were so quick to run from the front line and battlefield.
If I were Massoud Barzani, I would have bowed down to a martyr’s mother and told her that there is no need for the Wikileaks documents and that this is me with all my good deeds and wrongdoings. Here you can see me bowing down to your miseries.
If I were Massoud Barzani, I would have turned all the political party headquarters into places and grazing-grounds where people could feed their animals and pets. I would have planted wheat in Sharazoor plain and assigned there all the flattering journalists, parliamentarians and ministers who basically do nothing to guard the wheat.
If I were Massoud Barzani, I would have sent all my bodyguards to the villages and assigned them as shepherds. I would have employed all the politburo members as herdsmen.
If I were Massoud Barzani, I would have told the other political parties that you were right that I was not a good president but you were also not angels.
I thereby listened to Aziz Rauf and you as well stand up and plant a tree.
*This article is written as a satirical column and a response to the Kurdish journalist and NRT TV director Twana Osman’s short statement on Facebook where he basically asks Massoud Barzani to visit Slemani and hold a meeting with the political parties to solve their problems.
Aziz Rauf is a Kurdish political analyst, originating from Garmian, who has translated eight books into Kurdish
